So I’m just back from my bi-weekly bike ride and I can’t stop thinking about all the men and women on REALLY nice bikes who passed me wearing REALLY nice and very tight fitting clothing. Why don’t they all just ride naked?
Truth be told I was wearing the same blue bike shorts I have been wearing for nine years. There’s a hole close to a very important part of my body, the seams are all stretched out (we know why – don’t we?) and when I take them off the outline of my stomach is right there staring at me as if to say, “Did you enjoy that glass of wine last night?” or “I told you not to have a cookie you pig!”. I always hide them when I take them off.
I was wearing a kind of tight fitting top myself that needs to be thrown away because it no longer supports my drooping breasts and it’s from the old days – old meaning thinner. Imagine how big I would be if I didn’t bike. Holy crap! Anyway, when the last two buff butts passed me, all snug in their bright spandex, I thought about cotton with great joy.
Cotton does not accentuate our bulges, does not make us look like we really look when we are working out, absorbs our stinking sweat and is very cheap. Spandex is like wearing a see-through blouse. Spandex is disgusting. Spandex should be banned from all public places and gyms and bike routes and the entire universe. Spandex is for people who are showing off and I hate them all. Those people need to eat and drink more and buy a few baggy t-shirts. (Of course I’m jealous!)
I feel so much better now. I may even have a cookie.